Dear Omnitool
by Elysis
Summary: A very short compiling of notes Kaidan Alenko writes to Shepard after she dies. Five chapters, five stages of grief. Complete.
1. Denial

**A/N**_ : **Five chapters = Five stages of grief**, inspired by the Kubler-Ross model. This is something I put together on a night of insomnia. As it has not been beta-ed, any comments to improve this is welcomed. Enjoy Angsty Kaidan!_

_I wrote these while the Pause menu was on for Mafia 2. Go listen to the song, it's haunting!_

* * *

_10.17.2183 – 2300 hours_

Shepard,

The crew is a mess. I spent all day directing everyone, my orders fading into thin air. I'm no commander after all, and they are so used to following your orders. So am I.

The Alliance had sent out a group of crisis psychologists to meet with us as the escape pods docked in the Citadel. Liara had to be sedated, Wrex nearly fractured one of the doctors' skull.

Anderson says they're going to hold a funeral for you in a couple of days. Apparently it's important to have a service even without the body present. That way we are forced to accept the reality of your death. Also because the savior of the Citadel needs to be properly remembered.

It all seems surreal.

* * *

_10.18.2183 – 1515 hours_

Shepard,

Anderson called me in his office and gave me a bunch of assignments to do. Can you believe the Alliance and the Council want reports about what happened right away? I suppose they need to know the facts, but everyone is still so in shock.

I went to see Liara with Dr Chakwas in the afternoon at the infirmary. She was talking none sense about going back to the Omega Nebula. She thinks you could be on Alchera.

Perhaps she's right.

* * *

_10.20.2183 – 0203 hours_

Shepard,

I put a picture of us next to my bed. You know, the shot that Joker took on the Normandy's deck? You look happy. You have that lopsided smile I love so much. I can't believe it's the only picture there is of us. I wish there were more.

They've given us two weeks of shore leave after the funeral, to rest and take it in. Maybe I'll go to Canada to see my dad. Too bad you're going to miss it, Vancouver's beautiful this time of the year.

* * *

_10.22.2183 – 0650 hours_

Shepard,

Everyone's worried about me because I've been losing control of my biotics. But I'm alright.

I'm alright.

* * *

_10.23.2183 – 0426 hours_

Shepard,

I can't sleep anymore. Dr Chakwas has prescribed me some sleeping pills but they don't seem to take effect. She also sent me to a doctor friend of hers. He's a psychiatrist. I don't really know why I need him for but I have a meeting with him the day after tomorrow.

Tomorrow's your funeral, by the way. They say it's going to be very official, military. It's an open casket ceremony, where your close ones are going to put things that remind them of you in your coffin before they cremate it.

I got forget-me-nots. I know they're your favorite.

* * *

_10.23.2183 – 0500 hours_

Shepard,

It's kind of lonely here, without you.

Please come back.


	2. Anger

_10.24.2183 – 2035 hours_

Shepard,

Your funeral was quite a political brawl. Politicians, Alliance, even people you barely knew showed up. I know it was a public service, but you deserve better then Udina's hypocritical words and speech of unknown jerks.

Admiral Hackett came too. He told us your passing away was a loss not only to her friends or to the Alliance, but also to the whole galaxy. What does he know.

I can't believe that Conrad Verner even showed up. I never expected to see him around after you shoved a gun to his face.

Joker was there too, naturally. He tried to talk to me outside the funeral with Garrus. But I can't stand the sight of the son of a bitch. My biotics threw the chairs outside the service room across the hall. Too bad he wasn't injured.

I think I hate him as much as I hate myself.

* * *

_11.01.2183 – 0906 hours_

Shepard,

Liara left this morning. No one knows where she went.

I'm staying on the Citadel in the end.

* * *

_11.10.2183 – 0348 hours_

Shepard,

Why did you have to leave? I should have followed you to get Joker out of the damn cockpit. That ass.

If I hadn't followed your orders, you'd still be around. If he had followed your orders, you'd still be around.

I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

My apartment is all broken over because my biotics are still unstable. Especially when I have nightmares.

Doctor gave me more pills. To hell with them.

* * *

_11.23.2183 – 1027 hours_

Shepard,

Sometimes I feel like in a daze, or like I'm drifting through my life.

I feel so guilty for letting you go on your own that day. Please, forgive me.

* * *

_12.03.2183 – 1300 hours_

Shepard,

They made me Staff Commander.

I don't deserve this.

* * *

_12.24.2183 – 2056 hours_

Shepard,

There's a hole in my wall. I launched a throw in my sleep.

What the hell is wrong with me?


	3. Bargaining

_01.02.2184 – 2134 hours_

Shepard,

I was asked to go and attend a memorial that will be erected on Akuze for you.

It's hard to escape you, you're everywhere on the Citadel.

* * *

_01.15.2184 – 1722 hours_

Shepard,

I was never the religious type, but I went to the church they have on the Citadel. I remember Ash mentioning it the first time we were on the Citadel.

Maybe if there's a God, good or bad, he'll understand how much you are needed and bring you back.

So I asked him, whatever the cost.

* * *

_01.29.2184 – 1400 hours_

Shepard,

I'm sitting on a bench at the wards in front of the transit station. You know, where we would secretly meet every time we visited the Citadel.

I know you won't be coming out of that next transit.

And yet.

* * *

_03.07.2184 – 1655 hours_

Shepard,

The doctor says I suffer from PTSD. It's apparently why my nightmares are so vivid.

All the crew has been dispatched by the way.

I still wait at the transit station. You never come around.


	4. Depression

_04.11.2184 – 2400 hours_

Happy Birthday Shepard. I love you.

* * *

_07.31.2184 – 2115 hours_

Shepard,

It's been 8 months and 14 days.

I've kind of been working extra for the past months. I know you'd approve.

I can sleep now, my nightmares are gone. They've just been replaced by blissful dreams where you're still alive and in my arms. Waking up is painful.

* * *

_09.02.2184 – 0742 hours_

Shepard,

People use to come check on me a lot. But it's been months since I've heard news from anyone. It's just that I don't feel like being social that much. And I have a lot of work to do.

I'm planning on going to Akuze to go see you, soon. After all, it's almost been a year.

* * *

_01.12.2185 – 2134 hours_

Shepard,

I feel empty. I've been assigned to look for Reapers evidence, but I'm just running into circles and hitting walls.

The council is still as stubborn and clueless as ever, it's driving me crazy. I know I shouldn't be hopeless, because I need to continue your legacy.

It almost seems people have already forgotten about you. One year ago it was all about your heroism, your picture appearing everywhere. But now it's all been silenced.

I suppose they've all moved on.

* * *

_01.27.2185 – 0300 hours_

Shepard,

I miss you.

* * *

_01.27.2185 – 0305 hours_

Shepard,

I really miss you.

* * *

_02.14.2185 1826 hours_

Shepard,

They replaced my bench with a sale stand and a salarian selling video games.

I guess that's my cue.


	5. Acceptance

_05.02.2185 – 1807 hours_

Shepard,

I've been better. I ran into an old friend at the Presidium. We're going for drinks tonight.

It's funny that I almost feel like asking you if I can go.

* * *

_06.11.2185 – 2400 hours_

Shepard,

I think I'm ready to stop doing this.

* * *

_11.09.2185 – 2312 hours_

Shepard,

There's been rumors about you. They say you're still alive. Sightings of you in the Terminus system and all.

Reports are coming in, declaring you're working with Cerberus. Colonies are starting to vanish en masse.

But where are you? Where the _hell_ are you?


End file.
